I know it’s been a long time. I spend rarely any time on a computer outside of work these days! I do have facebook on my phone though so that’s the best place to catch me. I can tell you how to find me if you’re interested.

I wanted to say something that I found very interesting about my life recently:

I used to pray nearly all the time for strength. I’ve come so far in the last several years since I began this blog. Most of you have seen my growth and I’ve watched you grow too. It’s so wonderful the difference in seeing all of these wonderful friends on here I almost used the word lost but none of you have been lost as it’s been me that hasn’t been around. It is amazing to me how much happier everyone seems on my subscription list. I am so happy in my own life and my friends are so happy in theirs, a bunch became grandmothers recently! I swear there must be something in the water!

Now when I pray I ask God to help me relax. I have been very uptight, always following every rule by the book. Difficult to handle at times because I make everything so black and white. Tonight I laughed, Haley and Brad tickled me like crazy and I laughed so hard it hurt. I accidentally kicked and scratched out of pure reflex, no control over it whatsoever! I screamed too but in a very happy fun way. Not easy for me to let go like that!

I missed church last week (we go nearly every week now, it’s rare we miss). The week before last when I went the lesson we learned was about God’s teaching. God always makes the first move. God allows us to make our move. God waits for us to make our move before offering us the next move. You can’t make the next move until you’ve made the move God wants you to make. This is my interpretation at least. The thing about it is I feel like my life is living proof of this.

Most of you saw what happened in my life. I was very unhappy, sad, depressed all the time. I was in a relationship with someone whom I loved but he was very unhappy, sad and depressed all the time as well. We were unhappy together. We would pick fights all the time and just live together in misery. The misery was broken up now and then with moments of happiness. This was a sacrifice I wanted to make at the time so that I could get any moment with my daughter.

One day I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to move on from that life. I have described it as picture a bar with those one legged round tables that teeter if you barely bump them and on those tables are very tall stacks of delicate glasses precariously balanced as high as they can go. That was the delicate balance of my life. That was all of the things I had to hold up in order to keep going. Everyday I woke up and tiptoed through this place, this bar, doing my best not to bump anything and each time I accidentally bumped a table I stopped to catch the glasses and put them back in place.

I eventually grew tired of that game. I walked into that bar one day and I felt as if I had transformed into a raging bull the kind that you can see the steam through his nostrils every time he snorted, the kind that glanced around before charging to make sure that if I took a specific path I could make sure to do the most damage with one swing. Then, I charged. I knocked over everything I could while keeping and protecting what was most important to me, my daughter.

I sold my home, the tiny little mobile home that had problems with everything but felt so very safe while I lived in it. I moved back in with my parents at 27 years old! I got rid of that relationship, that was very difficult. It seemed every time I pulled away he so kindly pulled me back until I couldn’t take it anymore. I traded in my car which had died so many times I can’t even count, it cost so much I couldn’t count that either! I got one job then another even better job which I am still at and have climbed even further at since then! I dated like crazy then one day I met him.

He was different. By the time I met him I had my feet on solid ground. I had my life on the right track. I was rebuilding everything and nothing was flimsy, at least not to me. He changed everything. This amazing man found me. He found my heart and he helped me feel safe in a place I’d never been safe before. I was safe with someone in a relationship. I am safe with him. He has helped melt my fears. He has helped bring me back to church and love and family.

I am so in love. I am in love and happy and the world never had so many possibilities. I still worry about money and bills and my family and working too much and working too hard and everything moms normally worry about and I’m still trying to relax but I have never been happier in my life.

I am so happy that all of these years I shared with my friends here have become what they are now. I am so happy to share it with you and I am so happy to see so many of you so happy too.

As hard as everyone says things are these days I guess to me it just doesn’t show here. Money is money, whatever. We have friends and family and that’s what matters.

Love you guys.

Jen

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I have been so busy in my life. The man I started dating in February has been the best thing that’s happened to me since I had Haley. I prayed so much in the past to find someone that I could love and have and build a family and home with. I expected that someday it would happen a few years from now. Then last February we had our first date. We’d been emailing and talking on the phone for 2 months before we met in person. Not because of being cautious but because of other circumstances in both of our lives. The night we went on our first date I knew that he chose the place he did because he had hoped it would be the right place to ask me to marry him someday. That hasn’t happened yet, I’m thankful for that, I want more time as boyfriend and girlfriend before that happens. I know with how our relationship has gone so far that it will happen at the right time. When it’s right for our families. I truly hope it does happen where we had our first date. I debate whether or not I’d hope to have it be just he and I or if I’d want our families there. It’s not for me to decide all that stuff. I want it to be a surprise when it does happen.

For now we’re taking the next step. We rented an apartment together. It’s wonderful, it’s a beautiful 3 bedroom apartment, a room for each of our kids and one for us. I hope to put pictures up after we’re all moved in. He has been the most amazing man I’ve ever dated. I never knew life could be so nice, peaceful, fun, interesting, adventurous, loving, happy… any wonderful happy adjective you can think of and that is my life. It’s still stressful at times, we still have our problems but nothing earth shattering, any time we disagree we work things out. Disagreeing is part of figuring out our boundaries, but we are never hurtful, never truly angry with each other and we both have a lot of patience, love, kindness and respect for each other.

My life has been so full of wonderful moments in the last three years since I moved back home that if someone had told me four years ago even half of what would happen after moving here, after releasing my grip on what I perceived as my on my own, in control life I wouldn’t have believed them. My life is so much better than it ever was before. I am so much happier. I have found such peace inside. I have my moments where not everything is wonderful beautiful happy roses but they are so few now compared to what they were then. Back then I could post sadness daily. It’s so different now.

I wonder if this is what they mean when they say life is what you put into it.

I have so much more to talk about. I’m so happy with so much. I have no time right now though. More stuff to do tonight.

I miss the friends I’ve made here. I miss that I don’t write as much. Maybe once things settle again after the move I’ll have more time to write again.

I know not many visit my site anymore but if anyone does I just wanted to say that I truly thank everyone for everything they’ve done for me over the years. The support I have received here helped me out of such a black hole in my life. I can never repay what I was given here. I can only be thankful. I have so much love, respect and warm thoughts for all of you. Thank you.

Haley had 5th grade promotion yesterday. Next month she’ll be 11. I started this blog the day before she started Kindergarten. All those old posts are long ago archived. I almost wish some weren’t but that’s okay. It was a very emotional day for me. This whole week has been emotional. My mom and dad sat on either side of me at her promotion. One of the teachers quoted Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield and that’s when I cried a little. Then later they showed pictures of the kids in Kindergarten and then a current picture… I saw the picture of Haley so little and cried again. I thought about my parents and how back when Haley was in 1st grade I almost lost both of them. I kept thinking I really hope they’ll be there for junior high, high school and college graduation (I told them they have to be there for her PHD graduation too… I have yet to tell her she’s going that far)

Back on New Years Eve a friend of mine at work found out he had prostate cancer. He is 52 (younger than both my parents). He has been married for 29 years to a woman he loves very much. He’s fighting it. They increased his radiation last week or the week before I can’t remember as they all blur together. He was trying to keep working until the 15th before going on disability leave for a couple months. Monday he was too sick to come in, Tuesday too… then Tuesday he turned in his phone. He isn’t coming back, not even until the 15th. It’s breaking my heart. I want him to be okay. I pray for him all the time, think about him all the time. He’s been one of those who has supported me so much through all the turmoil from last year. He has given me advice on everything from career to relationships. He expresses how proud he is of me when I succeed at things. I am just so thankful for the friendship I have with him.

All week everything has made me cry. Last week was the same. All I can do is pray and send him my love and thank him for all the support he has given me and offer my support back to him.

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve been so busy between work and Haley’s end of the school year activities and every minute I’m not doing that stuff is filled with time with our family. We went to a quick dinner and then the park with my mom, Haley, my b/f and his son and Haley’s friend on Friday. It was awesome. It was everything I’ve said I’ve wanted for so long. Normal, family life. I’m so thankful for the family I have and the one I’m building. I’ve found myself in a position of being so very thankful for all that I have in my life lately.

I meet my boyfriend’s parents today. We’re heading to their church for services then their house for lunch and to spend time with them. I am so excited. Bradley and I have been together 3 and a half months now and every minute has just been wonderful. He is the most amazing man. I have never had someone so kind, intelligent, loving, caring, nurturing, aware and a million other things I could say but I don’t have the time he’ll be here soon.

After all I’ve been through in life, the last year of dating all the random people and discovering what I didn’t want… and all the years of hurt and sadness before that… I finally found happiness with myself and then he came in to my life and he fell in love with the real, true, unfiltered me. He seems to always know what I need. He follows his instincts as I do and I just feel like if there really is such a thing as someone just so right for me he is it.

I was telling him how I always feel so awkward socially, always have. He told me that’s one of the many things he loves about me. He finds that beautiful.

Hopefully I’ll find more time to write soon. I think about everyone here, I just haven’t had time to read or write… I will be back soon. Just know until then that I’m truly happy, loved and living life to the fullest. Thank you all so much for all the support you’ve given me over the years, I just can’t thank you all enough.

It’s been a week since I got my tonsils out. I’m still healing. I can’t eat normal foods yet. I haven’t disappeared just resting.

I’m very happy!

I went to my first Mary Kay party ever and had a blast. Spent more than I should’ve but it’s all good. One of the girls there got a sample of wedding make up done and she looked beautiful. It was fun. Poor Haley was bored to tears and it went hours longer than it should have but it was still great.

I’m happy because I had a good time but I’m happier because I wrote Brad an email and it made me so excited inside. Silly to get so excited when I was just writing an email! I get to see him tomorrow! Very happy about that!!

This has been a crazy week. I passed my real estate exam! Brad and I are exclusive now.

Life is wonderful.

Mom is away for the weekend so Haley and I get some time just us. I love mom but it’s nice to just be us for a weekend and it’ll help refresh them too. Next week is last week of work before vacation for a week! I took the week off like I promised for Spring Break! That’ll be more time Haley and me time.

I bought roses on the way home. Some guy sells them on the corner near my work and I had $4 in my wallet and I asked what I could get for $4 and he gave me three beautiful red roses! Haley loves them I gave them to her.

I have a very messy kitchen to clean and dining table. I have an appointment tomorrow and I have a Mary Kay party… my first one ever, cool, isn’t it? Taking Haley with me.

Our new boss started this week at work it’s very cool. It brought a new level of peace to our office in a way I hadn’t realized it would. It’s very nice.

Busy, happy, wonderful…

I started tracking calories and my weight again on livestrong.com (formerly thedailyplate.com) if anyone else has an account there and wants to link up let me know! I’ve already lost 5 lbs!

I’m no longer sick thankfully. The antibiotics the doctor put me on were strong. I’d seen my counselor Tuesday before getting sick and had no hint of being sick other than exhaustion. When I saw him the Tuesday after being sick he couldn’t tell I’d even been as sick as I was. I’m glad to be better now. I’m doing my best to get all caught up again with everything. I’m feeling a bit behind right now.

I kept having dreams of Haley being 14 and I was teaching her how to drive and in my dream I’d let her drive every morning to get breakfast. Weird!