April 2, 2010

• I know it’s been a long time. I spend rarely any time on a computer outside of work these days! I do have facebook on my phone though so that’s the best place to catch me. I can tell you how to find me if you’re interested.

  I wanted to say something that I found very interesting about my life recently:

  I used to pray nearly all the time for strength. I’ve come so far in the last several years since I began this blog. Most of you have seen my growth and I’ve watched you grow too. It’s so wonderful the difference in seeing all of these wonderful friends on here I almost used the word lost but none of you have been lost as it’s been me that hasn’t been around. It is amazing to me how much happier everyone seems on my subscription list. I am so happy in my own life and my friends are so happy in theirs, a bunch became grandmothers recently! I swear there must be something in the water!

  Now when I pray I ask God to help me relax. I have been very uptight, always following every rule by the book. Difficult to handle at times because I make everything so black and white. Tonight I laughed, Haley and Brad tickled me like crazy and I laughed so hard it hurt. I accidentally kicked and scratched out of pure reflex, no control over it whatsoever! I screamed too but in a very happy fun way. Not easy for me to let go like that!

  I missed church last week (we go nearly every week now, it’s rare we miss). The week before last when I went the lesson we learned was about God’s teaching. God always makes the first move. God allows us to make our move. God waits for us to make our move before offering us the next move. You can’t make the next move until you’ve made the move God wants you to make. This is my interpretation at least. The thing about it is I feel like my life is living proof of this.

  Most of you saw what happened in my life. I was very unhappy, sad, depressed all the time. I was in a relationship with someone whom I loved but he was very unhappy, sad and depressed all the time as well. We were unhappy together. We would pick fights all the time and just live together in misery. The misery was broken up now and then with moments of happiness. This was a sacrifice I wanted to make at the time so that I could get any moment with my daughter.

  One day I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to move on from that life. I have described it as picture a bar with those one legged round tables that teeter if you barely bump them and on those tables are very tall stacks of delicate glasses precariously balanced as high as they can go. That was the delicate balance of my life. That was all of the things I had to hold up in order to keep going. Everyday I woke up and tiptoed through this place, this bar, doing my best not to bump anything and each time I accidentally bumped a table I stopped to catch the glasses and put them back in place.

  I eventually grew tired of that game. I walked into that bar one day and I felt as if I had transformed into a raging bull the kind that you can see the steam through his nostrils every time he snorted, the kind that glanced around before charging to make sure that if I took a specific path I could make sure to do the most damage with one swing. Then, I charged. I knocked over everything I could while keeping and protecting what was most important to me, my daughter.

  I sold my home, the tiny little mobile home that had problems with everything but felt so very safe while I lived in it. I moved back in with my parents at 27 years old! I got rid of that relationship, that was very difficult. It seemed every time I pulled away he so kindly pulled me back until I couldn’t take it anymore. I traded in my car which had died so many times I can’t even count, it cost so much I couldn’t count that either! I got one job then another even better job which I am still at and have climbed even further at since then! I dated like crazy then one day I met him.

  He was different. By the time I met him I had my feet on solid ground. I had my life on the right track. I was rebuilding everything and nothing was flimsy, at least not to me. He changed everything. This amazing man found me. He found my heart and he helped me feel safe in a place I’d never been safe before. I was safe with someone in a relationship. I am safe with him. He has helped melt my fears. He has helped bring me back to church and love and family.

  I am so in love. I am in love and happy and the world never had so many possibilities. I still worry about money and bills and my family and working too much and working too hard and everything moms normally worry about and I’m still trying to relax but I have never been happier in my life.

  I am so happy that all of these years I shared with my friends here have become what they are now. I am so happy to share it with you and I am so happy to see so many of you so happy too.

  As hard as everyone says things are these days I guess to me it just doesn’t show here. Money is money, whatever. We have friends and family and that’s what matters.

  Love you guys.

  Jen

  • 2:05 am
  • 2 Comments