October 18, 2008

• Strength

  I posted this on my myspace, I wanted to share it here as well.

   A few years ago I got fed up with the life I had. I'd call it restless if
  I had to label it. I kept obsessively reassessing what my life was and
  decided I couldn't keep living the way I was. Like an angry bull I ran
  through my life taking all these perfect little tables precariously
  balanced with different aspects of what my life was and started
  knocking them over one by one. As scary as it felt to let go like that
  it was also liberating.

  Over the last two years I've been
  putting things back together. Rebuilding every section a little at a
  time with as strong a foundation as I could possibly find. It's not
  perfect, I don't know if it can be. My sister told me at one point that
  29 was the year for her when everything changed. This year has been
  full of challenges and battles that I didn't know I was not only strong
  enough to fight but also win.

  Most people don't know this about
  me but almost three years ago I was very angry and sad. I dropped to my
  knees one night and through a bout of heavy sobbing I found myself
  praying. I asked God to please help me. I'd prayed for strength
  endlessly to please get me through for many years prior to that moment
  and this night I just released. I prayed that if God could help me I'd
  do my best to make the best of this life given to me.

  I prayed
  that he please help me finally own and sell my old home. I had prayed
  if he please just let me get money out of that house I'd be able to
  work with that, somehow I got more than the amount I asked for, half again as much. I was
  going to take that money and reinvest it into my new life.That money
  was gone in less than a year. I didn't know it at the time but I was
  living the Chinese proverb of "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.
  Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."

  I of
  course was disappointed at that time to have squandered the gifts I was
  so graciously given. Here I was close to broke, kicking my then
  boyfriend out of the house again, on medi-cal being told I could be on
  welfare if I'd just accept it, living at home with my dad and step mom
  in a bit of chaos and emotionally lost. I soon found a job and quickly
  found another and have been working my way up. I can honestly say that
  I feel "successful" in business for the first time in my life this year
  and I feel as if I have boundless possibilities. Medi-cal a blip in my
  past as well as the thought of welfare, still living in my parents
  house but this time renting it from them, exboyfriend long gone, still
  close to broke but happier than I've ever been before and financially
  handling things on my own.

  I have had a lot of help along the
  way. I've made new friends that I know will be lifelong friends. I'm
  working to reconnect and repair relationships with friends from my
  past. I hope that with all the chances I've been given in the past by
  them they will extend me another chance.

  The amazing thing for
  me is I feel so strong and powerful in my own life now. I was tired of
  being so stressed and worried and shy all the time that I decided I was
  done with it and I'd change it! I've gotten rid of most of the safety
  nets in my life and I couldn't be happier. I've got a strong family
  that loves and supports me and I've got the confidence in myself to
  trust that no matter what happens I'll be more than alright. I'm
  still on the path to finding myself but I'm pretty certain of who I am
  and I'm making no apologies for living the life I want and being who I
  am.

  I really want to thank everyone who has helped me, even
  the smallest bit. The people who even just chatted on yahoo a bit just
  to remind me that it does get better all the way to the person who
  stood up to my exhusband with me even through calls to the police and
  complete drama and unnecesary insanity. I'm so thankful in my life, I'm
  so fortunate. The family I've been given and the family I have in all
  my friends is the most amazing thing I ever could have asked for and I
  didn't even have to ask for it, somehow I just received.

  • 12:46 pm
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